


The Secret Journals of Traci UnicornHunter

by LaDemonessa



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:13:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDemonessa/pseuds/LaDemonessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Mary Sue satire. Humor.</p><p>Traci Unicornhunter saves the universe one PB&J at a time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret Journals of Traci UnicornHunter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BunneyofDoom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BunneyofDoom/gifts).



Disclaimer: Paramount cutie's like Ronnie Moore own Star Trek, not us chickens *titter*. I asked Jen Ingram to post this for me and she's a real nice person but I don't know what she has against Ron! Ron's a sex pot! Oh, and I'd like to state for the record, once and for all that my character of 'Traci' is NOT a Mary Sue. She is an original character and I'll have you know that I am in negotiations with Mr. Moore on making her a regular cast member. He says that if I play my cards right she could be seen as early as next season. This kind of confused me because I thought DS9 was ended but if he says different I for one believe him!

The Secret Journals of Traci UnicornHunter: Chapter 572 of ???

THE TUPPER WARS...  
By Traci UnicornHunter

(Posted by JA Ingram…very reluctantly posted.)

 

FORWARD:

In the previous stories, we learned that Traci UnicornHunter, a powerful sorceress from an alternate dimension, came to Deep Space Nine to destroy the terrible menace of the Pagh Wraiths. Since then, she has fallen in love and married Quark but Ben Sisko has fallen in love with her also. She decided to give up her powers and open a small gourmet restaurant on the promenade but she is often called in to help by the Federation. She is pregnant with twins and the entire station is teeming with well-wishers because the ancient Bajoran texts predict that her children will someday unlock the mysteries of the worm hole and stuff.

CHAPTER 572: THE RETURN

"Hello Ben!" Traci said as she wobbled up to the counter, "What'll it be today?"

Benjamin smiled at her wistfully, "I'll have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich please."

"Oh, but what kind of jelly?" Traci asked with a mischievous smile.

"You know I love any kind of jelly as long as it's yours," Ben teased.

"Now Captain! Keep your hands off of my wife's jelly!" Quark said as he came out from the kitchen. Even though he was smiling his eyes glittered dangerously and a small fission of passion ran down Traci's spine.

Quark was so sexy when he was being all jealous protective.

"Now husband! Don't be mean," Traci scolded.

Quark kissed her cheek and rubbed her big tummy affectionately, "I'm sorry, lovie; it's just that your jelly is so sweet I want to keep it all to myself!"

Sisko felt a little piece of his heart die as he watched Quark possessively cup Traci's backside. Oh why couldn't he have figured out that he loved her sooner?

How could he tell her the truth...the truth even she did not know despite being incredibly psychic, and telepathic, and smart. She was the most powerful telepath in the universe to ever be born or ever would be born and she knew this because could also see the future. The only person whose mind she could not read was his because he was the Emissary. If she could read his mind it would make everything so much easier.

"Y-you're a lucky man Quark," Ben said sadly.

"I know, Ben," Quark said, giving the black man a pitying look, "I'm just lucky Traci fell in love with me first."

"Here's your PB&J!" Traci said brightly, breaking up the blue mood that had settled over them all, "I used strawberry jam."

"Thank you," Ben said, "I love strawberry jam," and he took his strawberry jam and peanut butter sandwich and he sat down on a seat and drank milk because he liked it.

Quark looked at Ben jealously for a moment then grabbed Traci and kissed her passionately, his huge throbbing manhood getting hard under his pretty coat because she was so pretty and beautiful and all. 

"Oh baby, you know I love you." Quark whispered.

"I love you too," Traci UnicornHunter whispered passionately.

"I'm going down to Bajor to open up that new orphanage I donated and then I'm going to see Rom about starting all those charities we talked about," he said, "You've changed me, baby. You've made me see everything I was blind to before."

Ben felt the tears sting his eyes as he watched the Ferengi kiss the girl he loved more than anything. The only good news was that Quark would be going down to Bajor and they would be alone together, just the two of them--or four of them if you counted the babies in her tummy. How could he tell her---he couldn't bear it if she was sad because of him.

"TRACI!!!"

Traci turned to see Ezri run up to her happily, "Hi sis!"

Ezri grinned, "I love it when you call me that!"

"Well, we are sisters Ez--at least in my world."

"True," Ez agreed, "You'll never guess what!"

"What?" she asked and Quark and Ben listened intently too.

"Dukat and I are finally getting married!"

"That's great!” Traci said with forced brightness, "I--I mean, ever since you helped Elmo overcome his addiction to drugs and fears of intimacy, he's been so nice to you. I can hardly believe he was once a bad guy especially since he's so cute."

"Oh I love him so much, sister!" Ezri cried, "And because you exorcised the pagh wraith out of him he's been my one and true love. I've never felt this strongly about anyone before."

"Great!" Traci said.

"I have to go," Quark said, kissing her belly and leaving. "I'll call!"

"Bye Quark," Ezri said.

"Bye Ezri," Quark said and then he left.

"Oh my, I'm late for the fitting of my dress!" Ezri said, "You will cater my reception, right?"

"Of course," Traci said.

"Can we have peanut butter and jelly?" Ezri begged.

"Yes," Traci said, "We'll have grape, strawberry, and apple jelly."

"And milk?" Ezri asked.

"Milk and we'll also have bologna and cheese."

"I love cheese!" said Ez.

"Me too!" said Traci.

And Ezri left.

"Traci."

Traci turned around in surprise and Ben caught her and kissed her on the mouth hard. Traci kissed him back then pulled away, "I'm married to Quark, Ben! This isn't right!"

"Traci, I have something to tell you!"

"i know you love me Ben, but..."

"I do!" he kissed her and Traci could taste the peanut butter on his full hard lips. "I love you," he said, "but I have to tell you something else!"

"What?" she asked, her mind whirling.

"Remember when the mind master took over your mind and you were lost and possessed and stuff?" he asked.

"I remember," she said.

"We made love," he said.

"Oh no..." Traci grew scared.

"That's right, the twins could be mine!"

But they could also be Elmo’s, Traci thought in horror. Three men, three possibilities…

…and, what’s worse, her sister was marrying the man she loved the most!

"Put me down Garak!"

Both of them separated guiltily as Garak came in carrying a very pregnant Bashir.

"But you said your feet hurt," Garak frowned in a manly way.

"Not enough that you had to carry me bridal-style down the promenade!" Julian laughed and kissed him.

"But you are my sweet little bride with your delicate, feminine beauty and I love you," Garak whispered and patted Julian's big pregnant tummy.

"I love you too," Julian said and nibbled his mouth.

"Ahem, can we help you gentlemen?" Ben asked.

"We're here for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!" They said in unison.

Ben, seeing the shocked look on his true love’s face, made the sandwiches for her and handed them to the men.

"Oh my, how delicious!" Garak enthused chewing his Yiggerish jelly and peanut butter sandwich.

"YUM!" Julian said in a soft girl-like voice as he drank his milk.

Sisko took Traci in the back room.

"I love you," he said.

"Ben I..."

Ezri called out, "Ben! Traci! Elmo is here!"

Both of them walked up to the counter reluctantly. Dukat was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and smiling. "Hello friends!" he greeted.

"Hello Elmo," Traci UnicornHunter said, her eyes filled with unspoken longing. "Want some milk?"

"No, but I want a kiss!" he said and Ezri and Elmo kissed with tongue.

Ezri giggled and smacked him hard.

"What was that for?" he asked holding his cheek.

"Just to show you who's in control." Ezri said.

"Oh," he said.

Traci was dying inside. Oh why did the exorcism have to steal her beloved’s memories. She looked at Dukat who was staring at her sister with all the love he once held for her.

And now she might be having his babies.

…or Ben’s babies.

…or Quark’s babies. 

Ben looked at Traci. Traci was so beautiful. Traci had beautiful black hair and purple eyes. Her eyes were so purple and pretty they made his manhood throb whenever she looked at him. Ben loved Traci very much.

"What are you going to name your baby?" Traci asked Julian.

Julian giggled and blushed and Garak patted his hand and gave him a secret little smile. "We haven't decided yet but we're leaning toward Angelique Dannika."

"I also like Snowfire Storm," Garik said.

"Quark and I want to name our babies Coty Dakota and Cameron Cherry," she said.

"Oh, I like those names!" Dukat said and rubbed Ezri's flat tummy. "Maybe when we have babies we could name our baby Coty too."

"I like Hunter Fisher," Ezri said.

Suddenly the whole station shook like a bowl of jelly.

Kira ran in crying because she’s a girl and girls need to have a man save them so she ran for the men to save her. Except for Traci. Traci was the only girl with powers because she was special, "Oh no! I'm so scared! What could it be?"

Everyone was scared and Odo ran in scared too, "It's okay, darling! Traci UnicornHunter will save us!"

"Oh Garak! What if this hurts our baby girl!" Julian sobbed, tears running down his beautiful face.

Garak looked grim and petted his one true love on the back and kissed his forehead gently, "It's okay my precious darling, Traci will save us I know it. She and I were in the Obsididian--the Order together and she taught me everything I know so she will save us with her powerful powers."

Garak got hard as he remembered taking Julian to bed this morning. He remembered carrying him in his strong arms and making sweet love to him for hours and hours--and now they had a baby girl together. Nothing would take his family away--nothing!

"I sense...I sense..yes--the pagh wraiths!" she turned her large purple eyes up to Ben, "Benjamin, the pagh wraiths are BACK!"

To be continued...

NEXT: Chapter 573 of the Secret Journals of Traci UnicornHunter. Traci, Dukat, and Ben go down to Bajor and crash in the fire caves. Traci uses her magic to hold back the pagh wraith monsters as Ben delivers the twins, and Dukat wakes up to memories of his one night of passion with his fiancée’s sister...who will be the father?

Stay tuned as we return next week for another exciting episode of TRACI UNICORNHUNTER!!!


End file.
